Life's too short

This pregnancy has by far been the most challenging. Not only physically but things that have happened have been frustrating. However, every frustration has been followed by a blessing or a new way of thinking. (details I'm sure will come!) The question "WHY" has been floating around in my head a lot.  As I just sit back and stop trying to do it all on my own the 'why' question has been slowly answered. 

I think I distance myself when I am pregnant because I think my hormones get the best of me. Just in the last few weeks I have been feeling life is too short to not let certain things go. I make my kids grow up too fast. I expect too much out of them and have been feeling guilty. I already look at home videos of when James was about 2 and think I could've done so much better, been so much nicer. Not cared that my house was dirty or stressed over trivial things. I have looked at relationships that I have or had that I could('ve) put more effort in, been less judgmental, more supportive, less selfish. So be patient with me... I'll come around! 

"Life is too short"

"You don't know what you have 'til it's gone"

"When one door closes another one opens"

"On the Lords time"

"Everything happens for a reason"

I have contemplated these quotes a lot in the last few hours. Feeling extremely guilty and selfish that all I can think about is getting this baby out. Thinking its a perfect weekend for me and not even thinking about the Lords time line. I have had several situations in my life that I should never doubt that things happen for a reason... yet I still do. And for that I feel guilty. 

This morning we got a call from my brother saying that my dad had collapsed playing basketball. Jared immediately left. I called my mom, loaded the kids up and headed over myself. Before we got to where he was playing he was being taken to the ER.  My dad had a heart attack playing basketball. When he collapsed someone immediately started CPR. When the paramedics got there they told us had he not received CPR he would not be with us. That makes me think my dad making the decision to wake up and play basketball was a blessing. Had he been at home or work possibly no one would have seen him or known CPR. They had to shock him a few times which left him without oxygen for some time. He was not conscious or breathing on his own when he got to the hospital. The nurses told us he could hear us but I couldn't think of anything to say. I couldn't say I'm sorry for not being a perfect child, sorry I have been distant, sorry I always ask for mom when I call, sorry I never told you how appreciative I am of the things you do for me, and finally how much I love you. 

I froze.

 After waiting in the waiting room for awhile the doctors told us what the problem was. One of his artery's was 99% blocked. Meaning, he was a walking time bomb. Another one of his artery's is 80% blocked and his kidneys are failing. They reassure us that he is beyond 'lucky' to be alive and that he was by someone who knew good CPR within seconds. I personally don't think it was luck. When we were finally able to see him he didn't look like himself or talk like himself. He can't remember much and keeps asking the same question "what happened" over and over and over.  Finally I have been telling him he dunked the basketball!  He keeps telling me I'm lying so at least he is able to joke a little. He is still having irregular heart beats and not remembering things but is starting to sound better then he did when he first arrived. 

I am thankful that every so often I am faced with a situation that makes me come down from my 'wo is me' way of thinking. I guess I need a good kick in the rear end every now and then! 

So peanut... you can wait. I will be ready for you whenever you decide to come! 

It will be a long recovery so please keep my dad in your prayers.